Relax

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

I need to just keep repeating this to myself and relax...much easier said then done, right?! Everyday I go through "This is happening and I am thrilled", "This is never going to happen", "If he doesn't come and I miss the cruise too, I'll be pissed", "I am already feeling more connected to mom, I can see this being really great", "She thinks she will sign, but I don't think she will", "The last text/email makes me feel secure"..10 min later.."That text/email makes me feel real unsure".

My days are long with the back and forth with mom and her sister and some of the communication is great and makes me feel secure and gives me hope. I feel like I am getting to know them better and I am growing close to them. But then I get one that has me running to the bathroom sick...I only wish I was kidding about that! For instance, this was my Sat at work....you know what, it is to long and draining to cover it all. Sat was a "she is not going to follow through day". But Sunday I got to see pictures of the photo album that they are making for him to show him about his family and their close friends...and then I felt good. It is exhausting...for real. No matter how much I turn it off and trust and hope and believe, I cannot walk away and distance myself from this. I need to be present and involved. And part of me thinks, she is hurting and miserable, why do I think I get to get off scott free??

This is jumbled and random...welcome to my life the past 13 days!

All that to say..we are fine and we are getting by and relying on our friends, family and God to give us peace and keep us focused on what is important. I think one thing that is different from last time is that, in my opinion, he needs us. Circumstances were different with Charlie's mom..sure she was young, but there were so many things going her way..finances, family support, male role models, christian influences...I wanted Charlie more then ANYTHING in the world, but he would have been okay with them....that is a bit painful to type, but probably true. I don't want to have to wonder about what happens to this child, I want to know and have a large say so..along with my hubby and God..as to what happens to him. I don't want to worry about how he is, I want to know. But, I don't have any say over that, so..I wait and pray and ...here it is again...Trust.

I found myself already dreaming about all the things that can be with me and my three boys..and I really want them. But I know that if what I want does not come to be a reality, then there was a purpose and I dang sure hope I learn it so God doesn't feel the need to teach me again! This is what I want...I want Easton..I want another son..I want to be his mom..I want his mom to be my other bio....I want to be overwhelmed by all the boys in my house...I want this, so I'll spend the next 6 days telling God that!