One year ago today..

One year ago today..sucked. Then was great..but more of the day sucked then was great. I always feel bad putting "sucked" since my Granner reads this, but it did..no way around that!

The entire time we were in Abilene at the hospital the time with Cady and Charlie was as comfortable as can be expected. We hung out in her room, but never for long periods. Our hotel room was like 2 min away so we would go up there 2 or 3 times a day, but never for more then an 30min usually. We tried to give her time with him and some space. One time she was sweet and got everyone out..very casually..to give just the 3 of us alone time. The case worker had been coming by and had informed us that all was still on track and good.

The plan was to meet up at the hospital at 9am and the caseworker and notary and witness would go see Cady first, she'd sign and then come get us. As I am sitting here right now my stomach is knotting up...thinking of this day always makes my stomach get tight and I loose my appetite..that could come in handy actually...Anyway, we came in and sat in the waiting room. After about an 30-45min of waiting I knew something was wrong. The one thing I love some much about this whole experience was that up until that moment I never had any fears. God allowed me to 100% enjoy every moment. I was not constantly in fear of her changing her mind and loosing him. It was so peaceful..up until 9:45am that morning. Some family friends we had met were in the waiting room and I could tell by their looks and phone calls they were receiving that something was wrong. Being a typical male, Bradley thought nothing and like a man, refused to worry until we were given something to worry about. I DO NOT understand rational people. (stomach getting even yuckier)

At about 10am the caseworker came out and my stomach and heart dropped when I saw the notary and witness walk by us. We were their next stop....if they walked by us..I knew what was happening and started breathing fast, blinking fast and looked at nothing but the ceiling. Our FABULOUS caseworker Becca come to us and explained that Cady's sister had come to her late last night and told her "she could do this" and "she would help her out". Cady was now seconding guessing her decision to give Charlie up.

Cady had told the caseworker to come back at 3pm, but not to bring the notary. I was crying now...not loud ugly cry, but my face was not looking good! She talked about what would happen if Cady did keep him and then I asked what she felt Cady would do. She very sweetly told me she felt Cady would keep him..I think then the tears were there for both Bradley and I. My first thought was "What the CRAP"..I was mad..unfairly towards Cady and the situation, but I was mad...I said unfairly. Where do we go and kill 8 hours...we don't live here, we have already checked out of our hotel, how in the world am I going to "pass" 8 hours. We did not know, but we knew it would not be in the waiting room for the entire world (read them) to watch. When we got to the car we just look at each other..what in the world was happening...and why had I already converted my purse to his diaper bag..so I could see it ad be sad all day...ughrr.

Since I went to college in Abilene I was supposed to know what to do..mind you I had not returned to Abilene in 5 years.. I suggested that mall. It was on the other side of town..so the drive there and back would kill....30 min...

One of the worst part of the day was telling our parents. I called my mom and Bradley called his. I tried so hard to sound confident in God and His plan for that day, but the minute I heard my moms voice I went back to being a little kid and needing your mom. Of course both our parents, siblings and many friends offered to come to Abilene, but I knew I could not be the strong person I was supposed to be that day if they were there. I knew if it was just Bradley and me he would keep me in line and focused. I knew he would also let me cry when I needed to, but he is so good about letting me lean on him and cry and then saying okay..whats next. He let me be sad that day and then pointed me toward our next task for the day. We got to the mall and made it in the door about 6 feet when I started crying and could not stop so back out side we went. We just kept saying "What are we supposed do for 8 hours". We got back to our car and parked under a tree and killed most of our time for the day there. This was the only time of the day I wanted to hit my husband ..hard!! We parked and I get out a book and try to read, but keep reading the same sentence over and over..I look over at him....I was SO mad..He was sleeping..AGHRR.. I woke him up and demanded to know how he was sleeping. He knew I was unstable and sweetly talked me off the ledge!! I don't remember what he said honestly, but it must have been good because let him sleep and woke him up at 2..we still had and hour, but I was done waiting there.

We headed back to the hospital and waited on a different floors waiting room and watch a DVD. I could not focus 100%, but it passed time. At 3pm we went back down to the waiting room. While we were waiting Cady's grandmother came to us and said that her family may never talk to her again, but she told them to stop letting a child make a adult decision alone and that he needed to go home with us. She said for what it was worth, she thought that if we told Cady we were leaving now she would probably sign the papers. She was outspoken, but we liked her! While we were out there Cady's dad..who reminded my A LOT of my dad...just kept telling us to pray. A few family members/friends came to us and told us they hoped he would go home with us. These things made us feel better, but we also knew they were not making the decision.

While we were waiting in the waiting room the birth dad's mom had come back up to see him. All day long I had been asking my self, questioning myself, and kinda convincing my self that I would be okay if I never saw Charlie again..I would eventually get over it. I kept telling myself that and mentally going over in my head how the ride home alone would be, etc. Well, when I saw her she busted out a 8x10 picture she had taken of him, I thought in my head..I am attached, I have formed bonds..I cannot imagine never seeing that sweet, sweet baby again. I went to the bathroom (prayer place for the day..nice) and cried some more and talked to God for a while.

At the 3pm visit slight progress was made. Cady told the case worker to come back a 6 and that she could bring a notary this time. I asked the case worker what she thought now..she hesitantly said she thought she would give him to us. I don't remember what we did to kill 3 hours but I know it involved a Chicken Express and a park like place at ACU. We ate dinner and then went and walked at this new place that ACU had put in and we each had our own quiet time. It was then that I got honest with God and told him what I had not been saying all day long. My prayer all day that whatever was best for Charlie happen..and that was a great prayer. But my Father knew what else was on my heart...I wanted to be his mommy and I wanted Bradley to be his Daddy. I asked that he give him to us and that we be the best place for Charlie. I know God does not always give us what we want or think we need so I prayed for strength and peace if his answer to me was no.

At 6 we arrived back there... tired and whipped. I feel that everyone involved that day was tired and whipped at this point!! The caseworker went in at 6 and came to us at 7 and said she was pretty sure Cady would sign..she got notary. At 7:45..she came out confident she would not sign. She asked us what we wanted to do. We were physically and emotionally exhausted. We agreed she needed to make a decision..we had already stayed almost 11 hours later then planned. We felt she just was at a point she just needed to make a decision..and weather it was yes or no..it would be better for everyone if a decision was made. Becca, awesome caseworker, asked us if there was anything we wanted to ask/tell Cady. Our answers paint a great picture of Bradley and I. My response..I wanted all my stuff back..the clothes, blankets, baby book, and gifts to Cady..I was still a little bitter, obviously. Bradley's only question to Cady was if she was going to keep his name( that she had already put on the birth certificate) and when he asked that and teared up I felt really crappy for my statement!

We were in the waiting room so we will never know 100% what went on in her room..but it's something like this. Finally all her family said to her.."You can do this, we will support you in your decision and we will love you either way" and then the case worker said to Cady "Well, if your going to keep him then I need to head out and tell Amie and Bradley to head on home". I am not sure which one made her sign, weather it was finally knowing all her family believed she could do it and she just need to hear that from then before she signed over her rights or if it was hearing that we were leaving. Either way, I felt certain that God was in that room.

The caseworker walked out to us alone and I lost my breath and said to Bradley "She kept him". I was stunned and just sat there. Becca came to us and said " She signed..I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but she signed". As soon as she said that the notary and witness came around the corner!!!!!!! I was shocked and really could not process all my emotions. We then went to see Cady and visited with her...which I was anxious about (btw, after Bradley said his sweet comment about keeping Charlie's name I asked her not to tell Cady my sassy one after all!). We all visited and it was comfortable and calm. We all had a prayer together and cried together and then Bradley and I hugged on Cady and thanked her. I told her that I knew the words thank you would never be enough, but Thank you and that I loved her for it.

Over the next hour we got our legal paper work done and discharge paper work done. I never wanted to pull the "I am a NICU nurse so I don't need teaching on a baby, card" because I wanted Bradley to have all that knowledge and experience passed to him from a nurse, not me. When were in the nursery the nurse goes "You know all this so we can skip it and get you out of here and home"..Heck yea, I was so ready to be out of there I would do anything to get to the car and call our families and friends! No teaching for us!!

It was surreal..especially after picturing us leaving alone all day in my head. When we got to the car Cady was waiting for us and she saw him again and we hugged again. Seeing her those two times gave me peace that she would not change her mind. I told Bradley when we got in the car that as crappy as this day had been that I was happy with how it went. I hope that when Charlie hears this story he never questions how much love there was there for him. Cady loves him desperately and struggled so hard to let him go. What a picture of a mom that loved her child....she struggled all day to let him go, but loved him enough to do it. I told Bradley that Charlie was never allowed to pull the "no one loved me" card. He was sooooo loved that day..and still to this day. I have never doubted and never will doubt Cady and her families love for Charlie.

Making the calls to our families were the best and coming home at 12am to find them waiting there for us was even better. I always pray Charlie never doubts the love for him by all of us...we were all falling over ourselves the next few days to just be near him, hold him, rock him, feed him...08/14/07 actually turned out the be the best day ever..followed by the best year and 2 days ever!!