Heart Cries

So, once you are "labeled" infertile..you are always infertile...to some degree. I have a child and one on the way (no news, but technically we do..were pregnant on paper remember!!), yet I am always going to, in some way, identify as an infertile. I will always be a little ..um miffed, at the cards God dealt me and even more baffled at the hand dealt to those around me. I will never get it or understand it but having those around you who understand is priceless...and a God send. SO many of my close friends and acquittance are infertile..its a bond we hate to share, but are grateful to have some one to share it with. I found a blog that I LOVE and I love how she writes and what she write and how she says it...so many things have me going "I get it, I get you" or "I totally understand". The blog is My Heart's Cry and I was going to fwd this on to my many infertile friends..and sadly enough..there are so many that is is just as easy to post it here. I am to a point in my life where I do not question it or become angry..I am at a point where I really only see the great things that come from adoption (minus the cost..I will always get loud and gripey about that) and the greatness that is adoption..but I will always identify with other barren women, I am just grateful to be at the point where it no longer defines me, its just part of me..

Anyway, below is a recent post..and it spoke to me, so I passed it on.....
Rebekah @ Heart Cries
Do you know what really bothers me?The unpredictability of infertility.I understand that no one knows what the future holds and that life can change instantly...for anyone. But. For the most part, women get pregnant, families are created, and life moves at a quick and steady pace.Not so for the barren woman.The barren woman doesn't get pregnant, watches other families grow, and tries to crawl through the torture tunnel of heart pain.Last month, my cycle lasted an eternity (nearly 50 days - the joy of PCOS), and for the first time in nearly two years I wondered if I might be pregnant. The thought went as quickly as it came and I got angry...When we walked away from clinics, I closed my heart to possibilities, refused to take another pregnancy test, and never once during the adoption process did I question a lengthy cycle. My anger, now, stems from the memory of past ache. I don't want to live in that place again....that place of rise-and-fall hope. It's easier to cut pregnancy out of your heart as an option.Nothing in me desires to be pregnant. Truly. I don't have this over bounding dream of bellying a baby. However, the rooted wanting for a family is deep.I have never felt more alive...more needed...more whole, than in my current role as mom. And it's enough. If we retire in life as a family of three, my cup will be full. But, that doesn't stop my mind from thinking...my heart from expanding.People ask me all the time, "Will you adopt again?" Definitely a different discussion for a different day. Right now we're enjoying every moment in time, with Tyrus...but my heart does wonder...I watch Ben with his brother and think, I want this for Ty. I pack away stages of clothing and hope they're storage is temporary. Entertaining these thoughts is complicated...empty wombs are complicated. Ben and I can't just go to our clothes closet, snag an outfit for the day, and decide to have another baby.....It doesn't work that way for us. There's no family planning; no outlining for the future. The unpredictability of it drives me mad.I'm an organizer; a planner.God has been walking me through a very tight trust walk the last several months and nothing about it comes natural. I don't want foggy thoughts and loose inklings; I want predictable! But, then I look at Ty....my ever-present Ebenezer. My reminder of truth.God is faithful. He knows my heart; I claim to know his. Through Tyrus, he has shown me that his gifts are fantastic, his love untouchable, and the plans for our family great.
I tend to want things in nice pretty packages. While that might be okay for gifts (even essential!), it's not okay for life. Just because one birthmom found me through the Internet doesn't mean a second one will, too. I have to trust God that our family will be created in his way, in his time. I didn't believe it before, but I can now.
One thing I can say for sure. The waiting/not knowing...this side of Ty...is nothing short of spectacular. I live for this kid. He absolutely touches every part of my heart.