One year ago today...

One year ago I was standing in the kitchen and my phone rang..I saw caller ID and I knew...my heart was racing and I was concentrating to keep my already super fast talking to a understandable speed.

Back up to one week prior..we had our homestudy with Christian Homes. I had cleaned my house like I have never cleaned before and actually had tea and cookies waiting for the case worker! After our 4 or 5 hour visit I asked her a question..and I had an ulterior motive. In getting ready for the homestudy I was trying to print our photo album that we had made for potential birth moms. It was not even due that day, but I was getting anything and everything turned in so they would put us on that list dadgumit!! When I went to print it out at Kinkos my disc did not work..I was frustrated and was on the verge of tears....a year ago ANYTHING could make me cry! I got in the car and called my husband and mom and told them "I am pretty sure we are gonna get a baby real soon" and they respond with "Do you know something or have you finally lost it and have made plans to steal someones baby".

I choose to be positive this moment..it would not print and it was going to cost me about $80-$100 to print it. So instead of getting frustrated and crying I chose to believe that today the social worker was going to tell me that someone was already interested in us so not to worry about printing out all 8 copies..."just wait" she would say...And I may have been delusional, but I decide that this was going to happen..

"Anymore questions before I leave" she asked.....So I ask her about when I need to have my photo album to her. And then it happened..just like it had in my head earlier that day..."Well, I am not supposed to tell you this, but we are actually presenting your info to a birthmom tomorrow, so don't print anything off yet". I saved myself $100 that day cause I never had to print off those other photo albums!!! She told us it would be a few days before she heard anything, so just wait patiently. At this point I kinda wanted to hit this very sweet and nice woman....wait patiently..WARNING..things you DO NOT say to an infertile!!!

So, I did something else I never do..I kept this information to myself..for the most part! We wanted to wait and tell out parents when we had good news.not "almost" good news. So we waited, and waited and a week later I got the call.

As soon as I saw caller ID I knew it was them and I knew they had good news. I usually had a good feeling about my baby stuff. I usually felt it when I was going to get bad news with all the IVF stuff and could brace myself for it, and I just felt good when I saw caller ID. And sure enough it was them and all they said was that they wanted to do a conference call with Bradley and I.....SHUT UP!!!!! I so knew what that meant!!! I called Bradley and was calm..no screaming or happiness, but we both knew what this meant. I think the conference call was like 5 min later and her first words were " You have been chosen by a birthmom and she wants to meet you". I will never be able to put into words what I felt...it really was a feeling like no other. You know that feeling where you just need to scream..louldy..as soon as the call was done I screamed and screamed and screamed..all while jumping. Mind you I am home alone, so that makes it okay, right? I then hit the ground to pray and all I could mange to say to God was "Thank you, Thank you.." over and over and over. I thought I would have these amazing words to offer up to Him, but all I could manage was "Thank you" and I feel that he heard that and saw my heart and was pleased. He saw on the inside what I could not manage to put into words.

After my screaming I called Bradley back and we were speechless except "Can you believe it" I think that was all we managed to say. We met for lunch..and that was honestly, no kidding, the first time I have ever been so excited and nervous that I did not touch my food. We decided to wait until he got off work to go and tell our parents..shut up, I had to wait!!!! I did get permission to call my friend Abbe, Bradley knew better then to make me keep it all in until 5pm!! And she did just what I needed her to do..she screamed with me and then gave me permission to call anytime the next 3 weeks just to scream..and I am pretty sure I took her up on it!

Telling our parents and families was the best feeling ever. It trumped telling them we were pregnant cause I had a peace about this..in telling them, I had nothing but good feeling about this. I did not have that I am giving good news now and bad later..it just felt %100 good!!! My whole point of this post was to attempt to put into words my joy from that day..and typical, it's not possible. For the first time in 2.5 years of trying to have a baby..I felt good, really good. My body, my mind, my spirit all felt joyful and I remembered how nice that was. I had a peace that I had never had before with all my infertility issues. A peace that I know came from God..who was trying to tell me...okay, now it's time. I always knew God would answer my prayers to be a mom with a yes, I felt he put those desires there and I felt I would be a mom someday. I did not know how and when, but I knew a yes was out there for me somewhere. And for the first time..I felt confident that this was it.

I loved my baby that day..instantly. I felt like a mom..instantly. All these things that we had wanted forever were happening and OH MY GOODNESS..it felt great. And it felt great to share them with all those who had prayed with us along the way. It was a day that is etched so perfectly into my mind and it is one of those days that elicits such sheer joy and in true Amie form..a few(lots) tears!

So, for those that prayed with me on this journey, thank you..and I want to ask one more favor. Going through difficult times is always made easier by having people surround you with their prayers and so I ask you to keep my sweet, sweet friend Jodi and her baby Brooklyn in your prayers. I encourage you to check out her blog and keep them in your prayers the next 5 months until Brooklyn Hope arrives.

Stay tuned for more flashbacks in the next few weeks!