So much for December...

I had great hopes of making up for November's lack of posting...but you can see how that has gone!!! I have had this post in my head for a long time..and in my head it makes sense and sounds okay..but I have put off writing it down cause I know that once it gets on paper it probably will not reflect 100% what I want it to...but for the purpose of "being real" and sharing my struggles and being authentic..here goes..

My thought is...if I am struggling and do not share then people may read this and not truly understand our adoption and its struggles this time around..and how does that help people with their journey (I can never say the word "journey" without thinking of The Bachelor:) I struggle with wanting people to know that I trust God and his timing,but that I really want a baby...and that makes me human. There are days when I feel so stinking sad..for the past 2 weeks I have really struggled to find happiness in my day. So I am sad, and very down....but then, while in the midst of feeling sad and really low....I feel such a great amount of guilt. How dare I be sad? There are people out there with "real" issues and struggles. Really, what have I got to be sad about..I have a God that loves me, knows me and wants the best for me. I have a super hot and amazingly supportive husband who's is also one of the worlds greatest fathers. I have a beautiful, smart, HEALTHY 2 year old boy..a job I love, love, love...a new house..cars that 90% of the time work..:) Really, I felt sooo guilty for feeling sooo sad. I would struggle to be a fun mommy to Charlie cause I was down..then the guilt really piled up. Because how does wasting my last bit of time alone with Charlie feeling sad help me out any???

I was sad...and it was a weird, dull sad. Not my usual "cry a whole lot sad". In fact I had not cried about anything adoption related since the last match went bust...that my be because I used up all my tears on that match...:) Really, you guys know I am a crier..and sometimes crying feels so good, for real. I was sitting down watching some DVR'd stuff while Bradley was out of town and Charlie was in bed for the night. I was watching Mercy..that nursing show that's just "so-so". Well, there was an episode about adoption, not really even a good one, and when the family finally got the baby..after the birth mom had changed her mind, I lost it. Like, bury your face in the pillow to quiet the sobbing type of cry. After the crying and praying was done, I was done. I decided I was done..done being sad and feeling sorry for myself. Done feeling guilty. I made a conscious effort to not allow myself to feel sad and sorry for myself.

I prayed to God that He help me go just one week and not feel down, not be sad, not be negative when discussing adoption. I asked that just for one week that He make it so that no one will ask me about adoption so I was not tempted to tell them what I had become accustom to this past month.."I am over this adoption, I still want a baby more then anything, but I am over talking about it". I know God heard my cries and this week has been a great week..it helped to that the weather was nicer this week too! And in terms of people asking me about adoption...well, Gods funny you know. I had a lot of people talking to me about adoption this week...and instead of thinking this is one more prayer God chose to answer, I think he my have ignored the second part of my request so he could fulfill the first part. In talking to people I got to say out loud over and over...that the adoption was fine, we were just still waiting, but I trusted my God...and he would take care of me. And that's true...however this adoption finishes..I trust God will take care of my family.

Just because I had a great week does not mean that I am fixed from forever feeling sad or frustrated with this adoption. It does not mean that I don't struggle when I pray about it. I have always prayed specifically to God..he has told me to. But when you pray that... this is the week you get the call or that this is the month you get the call or even that today is the day you get the call...and another day, week and month go by unanswered with a yes...I then tend to offer up very broad prayers, so I am not so disappointed when they are not answered on my timeline. Not sure if that's okay, but its working for me. I still wish today was the day, I still wish I knew the who, what, WHEN, where and how of all of this adoption, but I will choose to be happy while I wait. I will choose to embrace every/most moments I have alone with Charlie (since he is still 2, I threw in most..its hard to love EVERY tantrum!!) I will chose to praise God for all my other blessings. I will choose to not make this moment all about me and more about Him.

I wanted to do this post for my own reference..to be reminded of how low I was before he gives me another great high. I know for some people..you can be so low and no matter how much you love and trust God, you cannot simply make a choice to feel better and then you are...I get that, I really do. But in this instance, and in this time... for me it was allowed to be that simple.

Bottom line, I love God, I trust God, I know he loves me and that he wants whats best for me.....I does still suck that we have waited 10 going on 11 months, it does suck to want a baby so bad and not have Him gives us a YES right now...but I can "suck it up" right now..because of what I know....not matter what, I will be fine..